Things You Have To Believe To Be a Republican
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,
a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
The United States should get out of the United Nations,
and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches
while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist,
but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body,
but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred for homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science,
but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades,
but George Bush's driving record and cocaine conviction are none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights,
which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states
what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.